July 2nd 2013
Journal Entry 2
Today I feel as if the world itself is going to implode. I feel as I myself will implode. People are taking pieces of me. They are taking so many that there are none left for them to take. I am holding myself up on pure imagination. I am hanging onto the idea of a world where I exist as me the me without this disease.
I am hanging onto the idea of a life where the tears I might cry would only come from regular life problems. I love school. Because for a the few hours I am there and the few hours I am working on homework. Because with homework at home I can push. Push through the pain because I am distracted. The feeling of the pain consumes my every thought. In my head I envision the hands that suit my age. The young beautiful long fingers I wish I had. With pretty polish glistening with glitter in the sun complimenting my wedding ring so perfectly. But, when I look down at them there not there and I am reminded of the twisted road I am heading on. The road that may be never ending. The crooked pathways that lead to my own hell.
I have always written. Poetry that I only shared with closed loved ones and stories only for me. Why have I only shared with those people? Because the fear of rejection the fear that other people will be just as disappointed with me as I am…. Don’t misunderstand today’s negativity and assume if you ever read this that I hate myself. I don’t I love myself and others … well sometimes I love others. It’s the love for my husband and the vein, self-loving, self-advocating love for me that keeps me ticking.
What angers me the most is that the writing that I do now isn’t about the things I love or want or have. It is about the part of me that I hate.
I am so overwhelmed with pain, & worries that I have a fear that it shows when I speak to others. That I wear the problems I have on my chest like a scarlet A. I beg in my head that no one will ask how I feel sometimes… that they will give me that moment that I am talking with them to be distracted. The years of pain and heart ache have pushed my already slouched shoulders even further down. Down so far that the only time they are upright is when my husband pushes them upright.
I am trying to tell myself happy thoughts in hopes that they will make me fly. I am so emotional right now that as I write this the tears are falling from eyes so quickly that my clothes look like I have taken a shower in them. The taste of salty tears covers my face and my dog the only one close by that seems to understand me licks them from my face and shakes his head at the taste as if saying it’s too much for him as well.
God help me. God help me. God help me. Please I know I haven’t talked to you in a while but I need you to hear me and lift me in your arms and give me the same strength that you gave the men of the bible… I need to feel your love… please God. Please.
“Just keep swimming”